Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ridiculous. Show all posts

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I am apparently unable to talk about anything other than dirt.

So. I've been out a while. School and all that. But I'm still thinking about dirt, which I'm sure is exciting to a total of one person in this world. Namely me.

Dirt is life and death: death out of life, life out of death. When things die they hit ground. Bunches of little beasts eat them, die, and fall apart into dust. One of Danny Boyle’s movies told me that 80% of dust is human skin. Everything dies into dirt. Dirt is death. Every living thing pulls its life from the ground. Dead dogs are eaten by worms and flies and members of phylum Zygomycota. They die, and crumble into dust. A man comes, and dead pieces of him fall off in invisible flakes of skin while he cuts the dirt in two with an iron sword. The man drops in round balls that look dead. Water drops fall from clouds and shatter on the dirt. Seeds take nutrients from the dirt and live – they pull death from the soil and make it green life. Months later, this plant too will die, its hard labor ripped away and the stalk cut down. And the man’s wife will grind and knead and feed her family with bread, bread grown from death, life out of the dust.

We become dirt. Dirt looks better when we adorn it, like a beautiful woman wearing diamonds. It’s a mutually beneficial existence. Dirt in the wild is great, but not like earth that is cared for, tilled, and cultivated. It’s not the same. At the same time, the soil of overworked, overfarmed land is one of the saddest sights in the world. Drained of all life, it holds no promise, only sorrow. It’s true, though, that the untouched dirt of a national park is good like the Sabbath is good, that the pristine white sand of Pensacola is beautiful, but we need six times more earth to balance it out. Good earth. Dark earth. Black with minerals and nutrients and promise and growth and rot and hard work and death and life. We are becoming to dirt.

Dirt becomes us. A man is at home with his fingers in the dirt. Perhaps it’s my Southern roots, but I think there’s universal respect for a farmer, for a man who plunges his hands in the soil. Those who don’t like getting their hands dirty aren’t people I want to be around, speaking in the most general way possible. We need to be touching dirt. There’s a labor of Hercules in which he tries to defeat Antaeus, the giant who is immortal while touching earth, that should ring true for us (perhaps far truer than the Enlightenment would have us think – are we not just that way?). After all, “cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree.” Why is it that the most disturbing shot in every Western the toes of the cowboy’s boots dangling three inches off the ground beneath the lynching tree? Why does it always work? Why do people in space begin to deteriorate from the inside out? We need dirt to survive. If we leave it for long it leaks out our bones and muscles and we die. There’s a reason being hanged is the most disgraceful possible death in almost every ancient culture. Go, says the judge, go be pulled away from what makes you human, what you are most like in the universe, and be held there until you can’t breathe anymore while everyone watches you. Dirt is becoming to us.

God became dirt. Infinite beauty and power and love was bound and wrapped and pressed into clay that walked around on the earth and was hungry and hurt and cried and grew angry. Matter has never been created or destroyed, the great lords of science tell us. But the apostles chuckle and say that they’re wrong. A few trillion molecules are missing from this universe. Because Christ rolled away the stone from His resting place in the earth, and stepped forth in a body of dirt made new. And it’s not here any more. And so I must believe that there is dirt missing from this earth. It’s remade, renewed, purified of all remnants and scars of death, and sits at the right hand of the Father.

Dirt becomes us. Dirt was what God took and breathed life into. Dirt is what makes up our skin, our bones, and that little thing next to your small intestine called appendix. Dirt is made up of molecules, and some of those molecules are sucked up by roots into most everything. Grass. Wheat. Grapes. Some of those molecules go into cows after being grass. Wheat molecules become flour, then bread, and the grape similarly becomes wine. All of our food, at some point, came from dirt, and so all that we physically are came, sooner or later, from dirt. Dirt makes us better – Christ healed the blind man with mud. He called Zacchaeus out of sin into life: out of a tree and onto the dirt.

We become dirt. When we are done fighting with air, pulling it down and letting it out of ourselves, we are laid to rest. We sleep in the dirt, surrounded by the dust that we were. There we give up trying to hold the dirt we have. We give it back. And that’s the economy of the Gospel. Give up what you have. Give everything you have to others, and it will come back to you. Give up your pride to Christ and He will give you a real reason to be proud. Give up your strength to the dirt, from whence it came, give your bones back to the ground. And, one day – even so, come quickly Lord Jesus! – dirt will be raised up and pressed into a true body, one without decay or sin or death, and the breath of the Spirit will fill it with flame and purified, clean, unshatterably beautiful, you will stand made new in the World made new. An Earth made without sin, made with no thought of death, on dirt washed pure by the blood of Christ.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I make irrelevant comments because it's late.

Read somewhere between tonight and tomorrow morning:

The remaining cells die via apoptosis (programmed cell death).

Yeah, biology textbook. Point is this:

wouldn't Programmed Cell Death be the greatest name ever for a Techno Punk Rock Band?!

I know, right? Now you can return to what actually matters in your life.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The 100th issueversary- The Anemic Muskrat

Here we are ladies and gentlemen. This is, indeed, a momentous occasion. I have a few words to say (in the form of a fable) in commemoration of our hundredth post. Here goes:

There was once a very scared muskrat. He didn't have any particular reason to be scared, except that a voracious dog was chasing him. The poor anemic thing. That's right, the muskrat is anemic. Is there no justice in the world? Not that we should blame the dog either; he was hungry (and anorexic). When seeing the muskrat the dog couldn't help but defecate. . . uh, I mean salivate. So, the dog was chasing the poor muskrat all around in circles and the muskrat became all lightheaded (because he's anemic) and fainted. Well, this didn't please the dog. He was hungry, but not hungry enough to eat something that had fainted. You see, the dog always did this. He was always making excuses for not eating something. So, he just returned to his own vomit, I mean kennel. The muskrat lived to bleed another day.

Moral: Better look before you read next time. Ha Ha Ha!

I am 80 hours and 41 minutes from home

So I wanted to post again, mainly so I had something to do besides homework. And I have the attention span of a drunk 2 year old right now, so we'll be doing another several random points of information that hopefully inform and start to entertain.

1. Over the last two nights, I have got 7 hours of sleep. There have been more than 120 ounces of soda involved, which doesn't sound like much until you realize that that translates to more than 600 milligrams of caffeine. Now I don't know much, but since I can't hold my hands steady right now, I'm gonna say that it's a little imbalanced. As I slurp away on my Wheatberries fountain drink.

2. This makes me laugh.

3. I have "errands" to "run" for the first time in my life. I mean, of course I've made a grocery run for my mom, I've picked up drinks for parties, I've even made trips for the sole purpose of banking. But I have a to do list which involves cleaning out fridges, buying Christmas gifts, discussing thermostats with building supers, etc.

4. I'm not sure what to make of this. Apocalypse: yeah. Nic Cage: heck no. I do, however, know what to make of this. And that is: frippin amazing.

5. Thom Yorke has the voice of an angel.



6. Jon Tollefson's poetry does, indeed, make the English language look like a cat. One whose fur he strokes the wrong way, just to watch the fireworks. And those fireworks make me laugh great peals of laughter.

7. You know you've been up north for too long when 17 seems balmy.

8. Last night I think I caught 30 minutes of sleep doing Latin flashcards; like thirty seconds each time I changed slides. I learned so very much.

9. Two days left, people (sorry, Jeremy). Let's Stoke these bad boys.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I name the Top 10 Weapons in Movies

Alright, time for another top something list of somethings. This round, it's the top 10 list of weapons in film. That's right, the 10 most famous and infamous instruments of destruction in cinema. Now, this list is open to critique and change, even addition should the need be there, because I don't pretend to have extensive movie experience. Just enough to make me dangerous - or at least annoying. Anyhow, here goes. 

Top 10 Most Famous Weapons in Cinema
10. John McClane's Beretta 9mil + 7 Inches Duct Tape
Bruce Willis' performance in Die Hard revolutionized the action movie genre. That last scene -every guy wants that. Save your girl with a pistol that's duct-taped to your back? That's the definition of manliness.  
 
9. The Italian Stallion's Fists
Rocky wasn't just a great boxing movie. It is the boxing movie. Rocky took over boxing films like Kleenax took over tissues. It defined an era and started a genre.
 
8. Bond's Walther PPK
This weapon had to make the list. James' favorite field piece, outdated and painful to use though it is, is an indispensable part of the 007 persona. Besides, this weapon has saved the world so many times it's ridiculous. 

7. Rambo's M60
The quintessential man's philosophy: little bit good, lotta bit better. Especially when it comes to guns. If a sword is decent, a pistol good, and an assault rifle better, let's give a ticked off Nam veteran the biggest machine gun we can find, and have him dismantle a town with it. Sheer genius. 

6. King Arthur's Sword Excalibur 
I know what you're thinking - surely, Clive Owen fan though he may be, Trotter hasn't just put that two-bit tripe-fest King Arthur in a top ten list of anything?! Sigh with relief, as this is the sword from Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. Come now, any sword that bestows supreme executive power when thrown by some watery tart, as well as being able to take off arms of black knights at the lightest touch, well, that's my kind of sword. 

5. Robin Hood's Bow (as carried by Errol Flynn)
Robin Hood is arguably the ultimate folk hero. Flynn's portrayal is timeless, and set the standard for future adaptations of the tale, as well as for future heros in film. Although the arrows never seemed to draw blood, they were still enough to woo Marian. 

4.  Indiana Jones' Whip
Utterly original, completely unexpected, absolutely brilliant. Indiana Jones was the first real hero to use a whip since Zorro. How successful was it? Suffice it to say that nobody thinks Zorro when they see a whip anymore. They think fedora. 

3. Harry Callahan's .44 Magnum
Whether or not the magnum is the most powerful handgun in the world, or can blow a man's head off, or is even a decent gun, it doesn't really matter. Clint's immortal words cemented forever the place of the .44 in the annals of film. 

2. Any Gun Held by John Wayne
I'm thinking specifically of the Winchester rifles of True Grit, but anything the Duke uses will do. Wayne, like him or not, was the cinematic icon, the Elvis of film. Any weapon he held was made awesome by his touch. Especially those swinging rifles -- reins in his teeth, galloping at the villains, the Duke was the man. 

1. Luke Skywalker's Lightsaber
This is like putting the Beetles at the top of any music list - you just know it's gotta be there. The lightsaber made everything old new again, and proved the timeless elegance and beauty of the swordfight. The grace and visceral energy of Skywalker as he deflects imperial lasers and fights Darth Vader has captivated generation after generation. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

So did I

Well, this means that you now have to learn six random facts about me.

Here goes:

1. When I was a baby I could spin a pacifier around like a propeller (really freaking out, and amusing nursery attendants). I could be a 1000 dollarionaire if my parents had just taped it and sent it to AFV. Some other kid won 1st prize for that stunt recently, and he had half of my spinning talent.

2. I was mock held-up in Paris with a banana. By a very drunk man who thought it was hilarious (but I really wasn't in the mood)

3. I am ridiculously affected by smacking.

4. I analyze things to a ridiculous extent.

5. I like doing voice impressions and fake accents.

6. I used to be called Robbie (until about the 7th grade).


Alright, I tag: MPK, Hannah Noland, My dad, Winston Kimmel, Tyler Knight, Justin Hughes (even though he never reads this and would probably not participate if he did). If you are not one of those people and you were not tagged by Kaleb, go ahead and do your own and pretend like I tagged you.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I got tagged

Okay, so, a while back, Faith of Viva la Vida fame tagged me on her blog. Here's the rules: you list six random things about you, you call out six people you know to do the same. And the unwritten rule is, of course, unlike chain emails, if you don't do it you're sorta the tacky guy on the block. And I ain't that guy. So here it is.

1. I could not stand pizza until the summer after I turned 15. Until this year I hated spaghetti and lasagna. I've never been able to comprehend people's desire for guacamole.

2. I love vinyl records. Rob and I collectively own almost thirty LPs, and they are the way of the future. That's right, the future.

3. Rob and I have a running dare that we won't turn on the heat in our apartment. He said "So when are we gonna turn the heat on?" I responded, "whenever you get cold." He then said: "I can last as long as you can." To which my obvious response was, "and I can last longer than you, so I guess we're good."

4. I have an unreasonable, unpredictable, and totally irrational love for the band Journey.

5. Until this past August, when I moved into the apartment, I've never had my own room. I always shared one with my two younger brothers or sister (at least, as long as I can remember). And, perhaps even weirder, (unless you know my brothers, both the painfully cool Kanaan/Mark and the tragically hip Khristian/whatever annoying name I can come up with) I enjoyed it immensely. I think I'll make my children do the same.

6. My grandaddy makes the best BBQ in the world, and my grandmother makes the best fried chicken. This is the grandaddy who dipped my pacifier in Dr. Pepper when I was but a tyke. I also vividly remember the two times in my life that they have
not had DP in their fridge. Those were tragic days.


Okay, so that's it. You now know 6 extremely random yet important factors in my life. I think my favorite part of this list is the descriptors of my brothers. You can commonplace me if you'd like. (sarcasm alert - I really don't think you should, it's not all that great) The beauty of it is, if you know my brothers you know how very, very true those words are. Kanaan is (at least to my nerdy self) always cool, often painfully cool. And Khristian, well, he's just always tragically hip. And yes, you can say that your grandmother or mother or cousin Suzie makes better fried chicken than my grandmother. Just know, deep down in your heart of hearts, that you're wrong. Really, objectively, utterly wrong.

Oh yeah, six people. Hmm. Most people I know that read this blog don't have one. But, all the same, here goes. You guys can post your six in the comments section. And make it interesting, people. Surprise me (Trey, not too much). That said, if you refuse, I'll understand, I'll just call you girl names for the rest of the time I know you (except for Antkowiak - I won't do a thing except ask why, and then in a completely non-aggressive tone of voice).

Bobby Lee, Trey, Will Hughes, Mark (yeah, you Kano), Jeremy Sauder, Tyler Antkowiak.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I am suspicious of backpacking

Because Rob and Dane posted their Rhetoric declamations, and mine amused me when I wrote it, I will post mine as well. So, here goes. 

        Mr. Timothy Clemans asserts that “everyone should experience the joys and benefits of backpacking.” The heart of my disagreement with him is this simple truth: not everyone should go backpacking. Sure, it’s great for your health to breathe the fresh clear air, spiced with a hint of moose dung, but what about the other side of this issue? Mr. Clemans’ logic, though full of examples, seems short on practical experience. A dozen people can’t walk through a forest, camp, and leave it better than they found it. It just won’t happen. National parks try to limit human impact on the environment, but with little success. In Glacier Bay National Park, Alaska, the National Park Service reports that nearly 10% of camping sites had severe vegetative damage, while 86% had significant human impact. Mr. Clemans himself told a story that demonstrates this. Once when backpacking, he frightened a bald eagle away from the salmon it had just caught. Though the subsequent meal, the experience, and the scenery were, I am sure, great for Mr. Clemans, the eagle was left without a meal. We can enjoy nature without destroying it by backpacking. 

        In addition, Mr. Clemans says in at least four different ways that camping miles away from civilization is therapeutic. Civilization, I would hasten to point out, includes toilets. If you’ve ever had to take care of business on a cold and wet mountain, you know that “therapeutic” is not the word to describe it. “Fun, physical, and rewarding pastime” indeed. 

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Dreadlocks

Unfortunately, 4 is a majority when it comes to people voting on what I should do with my hair. Dreadlocks, eh? Are you picturing this?

First, I'm picturing not washing my hair for quite some time. (fun, yeah?)

Second, I think I'll make it green dreadlocks (since the runner-up was "dye it green").

Should I do anything with my beard?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I am probably being immature, but . . .

The stock market makes me laugh. 

The Dow Jones over the last few days:
Friday: -200 pts. 
Monday: +400 pts. 
Tuesday: -275 pts.
So far today (by 11:30 AM EST): -297 pts. 

Can anybody give me a reason not to laugh at this? I'm kind of looking for one because nobody seems to be laughing. But honestly. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I find their perseverance inspiring

The Somali pirates are, a full week later, still in possession of the Ukrainian weapons freighter. Despite the best efforts of the American and Russian navies, they're still negotiating with whomever it is that owns all of the cargo. And from what I hear, they want more than 30 million. That's right. They are getting at least 10 million big ones more than they started out at. That's called aggressive bargaining. Or they just pointed out that the dollar is worth less this week than last week. I'm telling you, you just can't make this stuff up. I dare you to even try. 

For your further amusement: 

http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5iIJxAamZcHRiTMK-42nPDj-GO2zQ

Favorite phrase from this article: "both sides are definitely ready to talk amicably." Really? I'm no psychologist, but I'm guessing that the last thing on the minds of those Ukrainian arms dealers is amicability.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I am amazed

This is awesome. Sheer, total awesomeness. I want you to read the next sentence with care and an open mind.

Today, off the coast of Africa, Somalian pirates hijacked a Ukranian freighter loaded with weapons.

You can't make this stuff up. This is like something out of a bad Tom Clancy novel. God has such a sense of humor. Here is the New York Times write-up on this. I think it's hysterical because the plain, old fashioned piratical talk is just put out there like it's Obama or Palin speaking.

Okay but first of all:
"Ukrainian freighter loaded with tanks, artillery, grenade launchers and ammunition"
What the heck? Ukrainians? Really? This is way too good to be true.

Also: 
Mr. Sugule spoke on everything from what the pirates wanted (“just money”) to why they were doing this (“to stop illegal fishing and dumping in our waters”) to what they had to eat on board (rice, meat, bread, spaghetti, “you know, normal human-being food”).
"Just money," and "normal human-being food" - I laughed so hard it hurt.

And best of all, then the New York Times asked why they stopped it. This is the funniest thing I've heard in a month of Mondays.  
"'We just saw a big ship,' the pirates’ spokesman, Sugule Ali, said in a telephone interview. 'So we stopped it.'"
First of all - oh my freaking gosh, that's amazing. Second of all - spokesman? Seriously? Can you imagine that conversation: "Can I talk to your spokesman?" "Um, yes, let me get him for you . . ." Whispers to friends with a hand over the receiver - "We have a spokesman? I don't know either but this American is asking for him!" 

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I think this is quite appropriate

Joel Osteen: Megachurch "pastor," speaker, Larry King interviewee, and author. Of fiction.

Props to http://faithandinches.wordpress.com/ Taken in JFK airport, of all places. Those Yankees get some things right, don't they? Hope for everybody, I suppose.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I'm telling you to wait, because this gets amazing

Okay, so a little background. If you don't know who Chuck Norris is, you need to do one of the following immediately: a) Get out more or 2) Go here and learn. For the record, he's a political conservative. Sorry, did that catch you off guard? I didn't think so.

So. Recently I've been surfing the internets trying to find the company that publishes a book I have to cite in my Rhetoric Term Paper. At said company's website, something in the lower left corner catches my eye. This is where it gets amazing. First, the title.
Black Belt Patriotism
Okay. What the heck? I'm speechless. Did someone let the 15 year old homeschooled boy try to write a book? What happened here?

Then I saw and understood the picture.
I don't know if you can tell, but that is, in fact, an American flag on his left sleeve. Priceless.

Yes, folks, Walker Texas Ranger has finally told you how to be a patriot if you don't want yourself roundhoused. But what could such a fount of knowledge have to write about? Let's see the 5 issues which Chuck says are important enough that he had to write about them.
  1. Immigration and securing our borders
  2. Winning the culture war for the sake of our children,
  3. Triumphing in the war on terrorism
  4. Tackling fiscal irresponsibility—both in government and at home.
  5. Battling the problem of widespread obesity
If you did not laugh out loud at number five, you have no soul. Or shake your head in befuddled sorrow. I can accept that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

My polls- A defense

l would like to defend some of my polls, mostly the one about what God would smoke. I think this is a serious theological issue, similar to the one about how many angels could fit on the head of a pin. It may look ridiculous, but look a little closer. Okay, yeah maybe it is ridiculous. But you have to admit that it is funny to reject that God would smoke, because God is a CHRISTIAN!