I know what is.

Mongol General:  Hao! Dai ye! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life? 

Mongol: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair. 

Mongol General:  Wrong! Conan! What is best in life? 

Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women. 

Mongol General:  That is good! That is good. 

This makes me laugh to nearly no end. 

I respond.

Friends, Americans, Countrymen (and all you international types too), a gauntlet has been thrown down. 

I am referring, of course, to the last post, which features a stunning portrait of myself, along with sundry gibberish. The only proper response to such behavior is to post another cooler, more generally awesome, and somehow better-looking picture of myself to top Rob's.

I leave you to judge how well I succeeded. 

But I jest. Nay, the real response must be to Rob's incredible claim to harbor abused words. As indeed he does. If by harbor you mean beat, bend, and violate. Rob claims to shelter misused words, and does so by further misusing and abusing them. One imagines his similar shelter for abused dogs including such friendly items as whips, over-tight muzzles, and cattle prods (I jest, of course, Rob loves dogs - medium rare). Despite my redneck upbringing, my Southern heritage, and years of bad influence, I refuze too right sentence's "like" this won hear. It gives me a headache. 

Also, and on a separate note, as Josiah deftly pointed out below, and as Theresa predicted, I missed two of my calls on films if we're going by Rotten Tomatoes. As I went with the RT the first time, I'll stick by them now, although I note in passing that they've been wrong before. Looks like Valkyrie passed and Bedtime Stories washed. I had such hopes, but I should have known the minute I saw Courtney Cox was involved.

Well, all, the world is made new. The world of orphans, divorce, rape, murder, oppression, cancer, and the stomach flu has already been reborn, renewed, and remade, just not yet. Praise to our Christ, the God-man. Merry Christmas, even if it's late. 

P.S. Rob is really an animal lover. He has more love for dogs than almost anybody I know. Which makes it all the more rad and hysterical that I make him out as a dog hater. And yes, I totally said "rad" so I could use the label "I said rad." While we're at it, sigma. Got another one. 

I catch the general public up

So it's finals week for most of the collegiate world, and we are no exception. While I have plenty of work left to do and it's pretty early, I thought I'd take a sec and update everybody on what's been going on. 

1) Not to toot my own horn, but so far I'm batting 1000 on my movie predictions. The Day The Earth Stood Still got panned so badly it made Twilight look good. 

2) I think if I nail every one of my prophecies regarding upcoming film, somebody should buy me lunch. 

3) So it was a little chilly tonight: 

4) This excites me to just short of no end. 

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE HD

5) The word "epic" hasn't really been creeping into the general vocabulary of our class so much as violently hurling itself, leaving behind it a trail of devastation and laughter. 

6)  Rob and I will be running like madmen (at least, I will be) down the concourse of the New Orleans Airport towards nine or so frantically waving people in approximately 114 hours and 48 minutes. Not that I'm counting. 

7) I am very much looking forward to Tim Tebow running all over the OU defense and destroying that poor sap that got the Heisman. 

8) Blackberry waffles hot off the iron, topped with cold syrup, and flanked by pepper bacon and cheese scrambled eggs, is pretty much the ultimate brinner. 

I get excited

Okay guys, so here's the deal. I'm ridiculously excited about Christmas break, so I've been trying to line up the movies I want to see with family and friends. Anyhow, I've stumbled across a few soon-to-be-released films that look good, bad, and downright ugly. So I'll post a preview, draw conclusions about a book from merely perusing the cover, and you get to critique me. Here goes. 

The Day the Earth Stood Still, directed by Scott Derrickson

Release Date: December 19, 2008

Verdict: Bad. Although I'm excited they're doing a remake of a classic, I refuse to be a part of something that pays Keanu Reeves more than 10 million dollars to act like an alien. Seriously, I can think of at least a million better ways to throw away money than to pay Keanu Reeves to be himself. 

Terminator: Salvation, directed by McG

Release Date: May 22, 2009

Verdict: Good. T4 stars Christian Bale as John Connor? Okay, why in the world did it take them that long to figure this out? Throw in Helena Bonham Carter and Bryce Dallas Howard, without a doubt two of the most talented actresses right now, and I'm yours. Did I mention it's written by James Cameron, who wrote T2 and T3, directed T2 (arguably the best) and also directed Aliens? Yeah. That's right.  By the by, a much better quality video is here.

Avatar, directed by James Cameron

Release Date: December 18, 2009

Verdict: Good. It's James Cameron, it's apparently got the second biggest budget in film history (a quarter of a billion. That's right, with a b), and it's about Earth trying to take over another planet. It's either gonna be great or terrible. We'll give Cameron the benefit of the doubt, for right now. 

Bedtime Stories by Adam Shankman

Release Date: December 25, 2008

Verdict: Good. Adam Shankman, if you look him up on the IMDB, hasn't had a real miss as a director. Apparently Sandler took a cue from fellow adult comic Stiller and decided to do something kid friendly. We'll see if Courtney Cox can also drop the whole skank thing for a few minutes. It'll definitely be a stretch. 

Defiance, directed by Edward Zwick

Release Date: January 16, 2009

Verdict: Good. Daniel Craig is a great actor, and Zwick's credits include Glory, Blood Diamond, The Siege, and The Last Samurai. Looks like a winner to me.  

The International by Tom Twyker

Release Date: February 13, 2009

Verdict: Good. Yeah, Clive Owen is one of my favorite actors ever. This could go south and just be about vigilante justice, or it could actually be a great movie. But it's got Clive Owen, ya'll. And also, in a weird twist, Twyker recently broke up with his long-time girlfriend, who happens to be Marie from the Bourne movies. Has nothing to do with the movie, just a weird little fact. 

Valkyrie directed by Bryan Singer

Release Date: December 25, 2008

Verdict: Ugly. Guys, I'm sorry. It's always worse when great movies fail over a single, glaring oversight. Tom Cruise should not have been within a hundred miles of this film. It's directed by Bryan Singer (X-men, X2, The Usual Suspects, Superman Returns, and producer of House, M.D.), it's got Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, and even Eddie Izzard. Why, in the world, would anybody let this talent go to waste on a Tom Cruise movie!?! I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong, that this turns out to be amazing and Cruise pulls off the performance of a lifetime. But I don't think that's likely. 

Up, directed by Pete Doctor and Bob Peterson

Release Date: May 29, 2009 

Verdict: Good. Um, so can anyone actually think of anything they wanted to do as a childmore than this?! I mean seriously, this is a genius idea for a film. Pure genius.

I Take an Open Poll

Go to the comments, and tell us your favorite movie of all time. If you can't pick one, pick three. That's all. In 48 hours or so, the three of us (right Swede?) will post our top one or three. The 6 or 7 most common movies will get put in that snazzy little sidebar poll thing, and so we will determine the movie most loved by the readership, so then we can bash it more than the rest, and so further alienate the people we enjoy.  Sounds like fun, eh? 

No but seriously, I think I'll do this once a year or so and then we can see if our overall tastes change. Also, we get to make fun of each other for our favorite movies. It will be amazing! 

I name the Top 10 Weapons in Movies

Alright, time for another top something list of somethings. This round, it's the top 10 list of weapons in film. That's right, the 10 most famous and infamous instruments of destruction in cinema. Now, this list is open to critique and change, even addition should the need be there, because I don't pretend to have extensive movie experience. Just enough to make me dangerous - or at least annoying. Anyhow, here goes. 

Top 10 Most Famous Weapons in Cinema

10. John McClane's Beretta 9mil + 7 Inches Duct Tape

Bruce Willis' performance in Die Hard revolutionized the action movie genre. That last scene -every guy wants that. Save your girl with a pistol that's duct-taped to your back? That's the definition of manliness.  

 

9. The Italian Stallion's Fists

Rocky wasn't just a great boxing movie. It is the boxing movie. Rocky took over boxing films like Kleenax took over tissues. It defined an era and started a genre.

 

8. Bond's Walther PPK

This weapon had to make the list. James' favorite field piece, outdated and painful to use though it is, is an indispensable part of the 007 persona. Besides, this weapon has saved the world so many times it's ridiculous. 

7. Rambo's M60

The quintessential man's philosophy: little bit good, lotta bit better. Especially when it comes to guns. If a sword is decent, a pistol good, and an assault rifle better, let's give a ticked off Nam veteran the biggest machine gun we can find, and have him dismantle a town with it. Sheer genius. 

6. King Arthur's Sword Excalibur 

I know what you're thinking - surely, Clive Owen fan though he may be, Trotter hasn't just put that two-bit tripe-fest King Arthur in a top ten list of anything?! Sigh with relief, as this is the sword from Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. Come now, any sword that bestows supreme executive power when thrown by some watery tart, as well as being able to take off arms of black knights at the lightest touch, well, that's my kind of sword. 

5. Robin Hood's Bow (as carried by Errol Flynn)

Robin Hood is arguably the ultimate folk hero. Flynn's portrayal is timeless, and set the standard for future adaptations of the tale, as well as for future heros in film. Although the arrows never seemed to draw blood, they were still enough to woo Marian. 

4.  Indiana Jones' Whip

Utterly original, completely unexpected, absolutely brilliant. Indiana Jones was the first real hero to use a whip since Zorro. How successful was it? Suffice it to say that nobody thinks Zorro when they see a whip anymore. They think fedora. 

3. Harry Callahan's .44 Magnum

Whether or not the magnum is the most powerful handgun in the world, or can blow a man's head off, or is even a decent gun, it doesn't really matter. Clint's immortal words cemented forever the place of the .44 in the annals of film. 

2. Any Gun Held by John Wayne

I'm thinking specifically of the Winchester rifles of True Grit, but anything the Duke uses will do. Wayne, like him or not, was the cinematic icon, the Elvis of film. Any weapon he held was made awesome by his touch. Especially those swinging rifles -- reins in his teeth, galloping at the villains, the Duke was the man. 

1. Luke Skywalker's Lightsaber

This is like putting the Beetles at the top of any music list - you just know it's gotta be there. The lightsaber made everything old new again, and proved the timeless elegance and beauty of the swordfight. The grace and visceral energy of Skywalker as he deflects imperial lasers and fights Darth Vader has captivated generation after generation. 

I am in da haus, jah?

Below are four videos from the YouTube. If you're an acquaintance of mine or Rob's, odds are you've heard phrases from any or all of these thrown around some. If, Lord help you, you're a friend of either of us, you just thought we were overusing our own wit. Little did you know we're not even that clever, we just were quoting someone else's humor. So, there's one video below from the film Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead, and three from the same series of Volkswagen commercials. Oh, and those commercials will probably change your life. Just so you know . . .

Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead - The Questions Game



Volkswagen Golf GTi-Mk5: Commercial 1


Volkswagen Golf GTi-Mk5: Commercial 2


Volkswagen Golf GTi-Mk5: Commercial 3

I almost screamed "What just happened?!"

So on the fourth, being the extremely patriotic family that we are, the Trotter family spent the day organizing, scrubbing, eating, reading, and painting that closet in my room a very un-American earthy brown. The most patriotic thing we did, other than light a grand total of 6 sparklers and say the first 10 or so words of the Constitution, was to watch the Boston Pops on TV for a grand total of 3 minutes.

All of this aside, we watched Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I saw the disc and said to myself, "Oh. Crap." And then it began.

The first two acts of this movie blew my freaking socks off. Dustin Hoffman, people, deserved an Oscar for that role. I don't care who they gave it to . . . dangit, they did give it to Daniel Day-Lewis. And he did deserve it. But they should have given two! Anyhow, he was incredible, the cinematography was brilliant, the storyline was imaginative, fun, and absolutely childish. I've never seen such a frank, beautiful, endearing portrait of magic in film. The score left a little something to be desired, but I'm no stickler on such matters. Point being, the story was set. Even Natalie Portman gave the best performance of her life, even though that says nothing. She actually did better than in The Professional.

Then the third act came. The final chapter in the story. And the whole thing goes to pot. In one single line, the whole movie comes crashing down from profound Chestertonian, Christ-centered truth to soul-crushing new age zen-ism. "You are the block of wood!" made me think that the original director must have been fired on the last day of filming and they stuck Timur Bekmambetov behind the camera and told him to film without letting him look at the rest of the movie. That's how bad it was. I almost cried.

As a unit, Emporium is nothing. A trivial, man-centered, zen-riddled waste of time. As the first two acts with the third forgotten, it is amazing. Hoffman embodies the words of Lewis: "When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness." From calling his accountant "mutant" to having his friend smuggle a tuba into his hospital room, Hoffman shines. That scene where he weaves in and out of the barrels. Brilliant.

Overall rating: 8.0 out of 10
Watch for: Nothing. Cleanest movie I've seen in several long whiles.

I was like, freakin' blown away, what do you think?

Last night Justin, Pounder and myself watched Napoleon Dynamite. It was the first time Pounder or me had seen it, and I was rather unsure of what to expect. I wanted to like it, I expected I would like it, but there's always this reserve I feel about any film, particularly a comedy, which is either praised to heaven or given the bird.

I freaking loved this movie. The entire thing was wonderful. Jon Heder was brilliant. He deserved an award for that role. Jamie Foxx got the Oscar for Ray that year, and that is an injustice. If I were president of the AFI for a day, I'd knock Jamie Foxx's double-exed self so hard when he came to he would be blind, and then I'd grab that Oscar and hand it to Jon Heder and he will say, "Dude, did you get this from Jamie Foxx?" to which I will respond, "Heck yes I did!"

The wonderful thing about Napoleon Dynamite was that it scrupulously avoided having a point at all. A few times Uncle Rico borders on hitting profundity, and once even Pedro endangers the delicate balance of this piece. He asks Napoleon why the school won't let him hang a pinata of the resident cheerleader/social queen Summer for his supporters to beat on. You feel like the next words out of his mouth are about to be, "because they all beat on me, why can't I beat back?" and then the whole thing would have a point. Which would be a disaster. People criticize this movie for having no plot. Justin says that the more he watches it, the more of a plot he sees. I'm not buying. I think the movie can't have a plot and do what it does. It captures an average high school in Swillwater, USA. The life of a teenager isn't always fraught with complications that are bigger than how to get a girl to look at you. I watch movies about high school and you wonder if any of these people on screen have ever been there. I felt like these directors had. They know the whole thing made absolutely no sense. And so Napoleon Dynamite, like a Chaim Potok novel, really has no beginning and no end. There's a progression in the life of the people you meet, but you never really accomplish anything in the movie. It's the journey there that is so gosh-darned funny.

Overall: 9.2 out of 10
Watch for: Sparse foul language, rude humor, a fair bit of suggestive dialogue - including conversations about bust expansion on women, complete with visual demonstration, and Uncle Rico's advances on both his clients and Napoleon's love interest.

I was entertained after I realized that it was, in fact, crystal.

So this afternoon the fam and I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I walked in expecting, nay, desiring to hate this movie. It had all the characteristics of a movie I should hate: it was a long-awaited and totally unnecessary sequel, it was a 4th, it had Shia LaBeouf, it was totally unrealistic, it involved swordfights on moving vehicles, and it was about aliens although it claimed they weren't aliens. All in all, it should have been utterly insufferable and I should have given it Josh Gibbs' ultimate insult (that is, walking out 10 minutes before the end). But it wasn't. I was entertained. No, more, I enjoyed it. Harrison Ford is convincing as an old man. I don't think any actor of this day other than Sean Connery can so effortlessly pull this off. We all know Bruce Willis can't, Samuel L. Jackson can't, and I can't stand to watch Pierce Brosnan try. For the first time, I didn't just respect Indy, I loved that dude. When Shia's character said, "You're a teacher!?" I was like, "Dude, I was thinking the exact same thing!" But I had to get past the nuclear blast survival, the constantly missing KGB machine gun fire, the fact that aliens landed with the Incas and yet they were beaten by a few freaking Spaniards, etc. When they first see the crystal skull (which turns out to be the actual skull of an actual alien or, as one of Indy's colleagues says, 'a trans-dimensional being'), we are told by the man himself that it is quartz crystal, cut across the grain, which is apparently impossible by human methods. It would have been all to easy for me to hear, "it looks like crystal but it . . . just isn't." But it was crystal. Once you realized that these beings who were all-powerful, all-knowing, and were stinkin architectural geniuses using stone age tools, had bones made out of quartz, just like what's under our feet, you had the movie in your grasp. And after that, army ants devouring a guy in 3 seconds flat is icing on the cake. And did I mention Cate Blanchett has a black bob haircut? Anytime I can see Elizabeth I dressed up like some twisted sort of archetypal Gestapo torturess, complete with knee-high leather boots, it's worth 6 of the coldest.

Overall rating: 7.5 out of 10
Watch for: A scattered bad word or two, lots of bloodless violence (typical Indy style: fists and . . . well, fists), and the realization on a younger person's face that Indy had a child before he was married.

I was ticked.

So Monday night I stayed up till 2:30 watching The Fifth Element. It's not that I just can't figure this movie out. It's that neither I nor Bruce Willis can figure it out, either. You can just see him getting more and more fed up throughout the movie. By the second to last scene, he's just disgusted. This from the guy who made Die Hard IV. His look said: "I didn't read the script, I just looked at all the zeros."
Seriously, though, that movie cannot figure out whether it's an action or a spoof. It would be a great spoof, but it takes itself way to seriously at all the wrong times. And it could be a decent sci-fi action movie (although there's too much Bladerunner in there), but the cinematography alone makes you laugh, much less the dialogue. MJov does do an excellent acting job (somehow), and everything else, all the casting, the costumes, the cinematography, even the plot, are geared for spoof. And then it was like the director changed his mind about 30 minutes into filming.
I turned off the TV and wondered that timeless question: "where can I go to get the last two hours of my life back?"