Absolute nonsense- nugarum

In sophomore declamations now we are given different themes to write about and we declaim in groups of 15 or 16. My last declamation I had to imitate Dr. Seuss. Here's what I came up with:

One fine sunny day I asked a guy from the tram, how many flimples will it take to feed a grown man. I’m not quite sure said the man to me, but come to my flat and we shall see. But what is a flimple? So glad you asked. It’s hard to say, but mostly they’re fast. They run hither, oh yes they run thither, they get pursuers into such a ridiculous dither. So how do you catch them? Well you have to be cautious, because if you find them asleep they’re really quite nauseous. But plug up your nose and give them a rub, they’ll drop in your hand, then give them a scrub. They’re tiny brown lice that cook ever so nice, teach them to stir, they take advice. They do everything fast, just leave them alone, they’ll sweep up your floor they’ll clean up your home.
So I open the door according to plan, and what do I find but five thousand flimples, a whole flimple clan. So I said to myself “Now I can know how many flimples it takes to feed a man full grown.” So I asked them quite nicely “could you try a meal out? I’m famished tonight, I could eat a whole trout.” Well, funny the way it all just worked out, trout’s what precisely they planned to try out. The meal that night was such a treat, it was quite a to-do, a fantastic feat. The flimples stood up on shoulders, they worked flimp-on-flimp, they cooked the fish, they constructed a blimp. Just kidding, no blimp was involved, but by working together the problem was solved. So many a flimple, six hundred flimps bold, fed one single man, and this story is told.

Chaining down the muse

I still haven't mastered the art of producing poetry on demand. Yeah, go ahead and tell me to produce a couplet. No problem. I'll produce something that is totally stupid, but is still totally a couplet. To the skeptics "You see this? Is anyone here prepared to argue that this is not in fact two lines that rhyme? I rest my case."

Couplets aren't that hard. You can mass-produce those little buggers. But you definitely can't tell me to produce a sonnet. Of course, sonnets don't come about naturally anyway. I've never been just sitting on my bed (my preferred poetry workstation) casually writing a poem and suddenly realize that, lo and behold, I've been writing a sonnet. "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Hey check this out - it's a sonnet! What should I call it?"

I am a self-motivated person. Which basically means that when I don't want to do something, I don't do it. What I need to do is realize that I really, deep down want to write a sonnet. There is nothing in the world I wish for more, than to write 14 lines -three quatrains and a couplet - in iambic pentameter using the rhyme scheme abab cdcd efef gg.

Oh well, the couplet will be easy.

P.S. Couplets can be hard if you do them right

I am 80 hours and 41 minutes from home

So I wanted to post again, mainly so I had something to do besides homework. And I have the attention span of a drunk 2 year old right now, so we'll be doing another several random points of information that hopefully inform and start to entertain.

1. Over the last two nights, I have got 7 hours of sleep. There have been more than 120 ounces of soda involved, which doesn't sound like much until you realize that that translates to more than 600 milligrams of caffeine. Now I don't know much, but since I can't hold my hands steady right now, I'm gonna say that it's a little imbalanced. As I slurp away on my Wheatberries fountain drink.

2. This makes me laugh.

3. I have "errands" to "run" for the first time in my life. I mean, of course I've made a grocery run for my mom, I've picked up drinks for parties, I've even made trips for the sole purpose of banking. But I have a to do list which involves cleaning out fridges, buying Christmas gifts, discussing thermostats with building supers, etc.

4. I'm not sure what to make of this. Apocalypse: yeah. Nic Cage: heck no. I do, however, know what to make of this. And that is: frippin amazing.

5. Thom Yorke has the voice of an angel.

6. Jon Tollefson's poetry does, indeed, make the English language look like a cat. One whose fur he strokes the wrong way, just to watch the fireworks. And those fireworks make me laugh great peals of laughter.

7. You know you've been up north for too long when 17 seems balmy.

8. Last night I think I caught 30 minutes of sleep doing Latin flashcards; like thirty seconds each time I changed slides. I learned so very much.

9. Two days left, people (sorry, Jeremy). Let's Stoke these bad boys.

Tear the world together

Have you heard that "Hootie & The Blowfish" song Take My hand? I was listening to that this evening, and I've always thought he was saying "tear the world together" and I looked up the lyrics to see if I was right. But I was not right. I was wrong. Shock and awe and pandelirium! He was saying "Take the world together."

Anyway, I think the song would be better if he said "tear the world together" (the upside of course is that I get to use this term like I coined it myself). Because that's really the task of reconciliation - there is nothing peaceful about it. In fact, there is nothing peaceful about "peace" at all.

To many people, peace implies passivity. However, NOTHING could be further from the truth (well, I suppose something could be; don't press me on it). There is nothing so violent to the present human condition as peace. If you want people to be at peace, for God's sake pull the Ak's out of their hands. Guess what? You might have to make them play nice, and it might be violent. Then you can go about the long and arduous task of teaching them to like it (don't leave that out or you'll just have gun control).

The problem with pacifism is that it so often becomes "passivism." For instance, let us take that old hypothetical situation- a robber has a gun and he wants to harm your family, you have a gun what do you do (or more towards the spirit of the question: what would Jesus do?) My answer is that there is nothing noble about refusing to protect your family when a robber comes around because you "don't want to hurt him." In fact, I would say that inaction in this circumstance is a form of violence. By refusing to take action you would not be doing anyone a favor. You are allowing someone to complete a sinful and violent act, and also neglecting your God-given duty as protector of the family.


N.B. - When I say "For God's sake" I'm not taking God's name in vain. I really mean it literally. That is literally the reason you should take people's guns away from them if they're not playing nice. Also, I say "them" as a sort of nebulous "whoever is at war with each other" sort of thing.

Why Dane is no longer an author on "Help! I've been Flabbergasted!"

It's not because we don't love Dane (Swede) anymore. On the contrary, we love Dane just as much as ever and we would like to wish him a happy birthday (40 min. late, sorry).

It's just that Dane has his own blog that he posts to, and I felt that we shouldn't pressure him anymore to post on this blog.

That, and I like the original picture of Kaleb and me much better. Brings back memories of us being seniors at Trinitas. So there you go.

In which I try to say something intelligible (although irrelevant) using only song lyrics

The phone rings in the middle of the night,
My father yells "It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away." That's just the way it is, somethings will never change - while mona lisas and mad hatters, sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
turn around and say good morning to the night. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. But when the sun shines again I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in. Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me. Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night. But now I'm high. I'll be up with the sun, I'm not coming down.

Galactophagist (n.)

You heard me - Galactophagist. This is the new word of the day. Some of you philologists might be able to guess this one. Same rules as before (basically, don't be lame by cheating). Go ahead, impress me.

So did I

Well, this means that you now have to learn six random facts about me.

Here goes:

1. When I was a baby I could spin a pacifier around like a propeller (really freaking out, and amusing nursery attendants). I could be a 1000 dollarionaire if my parents had just taped it and sent it to AFV. Some other kid won 1st prize for that stunt recently, and he had half of my spinning talent.

2. I was mock held-up in Paris with a banana. By a very drunk man who thought it was hilarious (but I really wasn't in the mood)

3. I am ridiculously affected by smacking.

4. I analyze things to a ridiculous extent.

5. I like doing voice impressions and fake accents.

6. I used to be called Robbie (until about the 7th grade).


Alright, I tag: MPK, Hannah Noland, My dad, Winston Kimmel, Tyler Knight, Justin Hughes (even though he never reads this and would probably not participate if he did). If you are not one of those people and you were not tagged by Kaleb, go ahead and do your own and pretend like I tagged you.

Mrs. Byrne

Greetings everyone,

I would like to announce that I recently purchased "Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words." Therefore, every time I feel like it I'm going to post a "word of the day" that I've found in that wonderful catalogue of the absurd.

Agomphious (adj.) - toothless

That Hideous "X"

In my attic in Florida across from the air-hockey/ping-pong table, in front of the TV, to the side of my dad’s music studio, lies a box so hideous that it is only referred to as “X” (along with some random numbers used primarily by snowboarders.) Under those dull attic lights, along with other initiates I have sacrificed many of my precious neurons, to the great god of entertainment.

Now look, I don’t really think there’s anything sinister about playing video games. On the other hand, I don’t think there’s anything beneficial either. An occasional Halo party can be fun; but I disagree with Mr. Truax’s overblown claim that it sponsors lasting friendships. It is quite easy to point at two good friends who get together to play video games, and claim that the video games are responsible for their friendship. In fact, it’s so easy that it’s referred to (for convenience’s sake) as the “ad hoc” fallacy.

I agree with those in the reformed community who claim that video games can be addictive (generally, anything that offers instant gratification has this potential). It appears that Mr. Truax was on a hot-streak of fallacious reasoning when he dismissed this claim because our reformed community likes its alcohol and tobacco. This is called the fallacy of origin, little boys and girls, criticizing a position because of where it originated. The reformed community rightly treats alcohol and tobacco as substances to be used in moderation. We should do the same with video games.

Dreadlocks

Unfortunately, 4 is a majority when it comes to people voting on what I should do with my hair. Dreadlocks, eh? Are you picturing this?

First, I'm picturing not washing my hair for quite some time. (fun, yeah?)

Second, I think I'll make it green dreadlocks (since the runner-up was "dye it green").

Should I do anything with my beard?

I was very, very wrong, and will be again

And I admit it. That's all she wrote folks. No lawsuits or riots, at least not yet. Obama, like CNN predicted, lapped McCain. And yes, I am a false prophet in every sense of the word. Almost every state I named to go McCain went Obama. It makes me laugh. 

Well, it's been fun. I am actually kind of ambivalent about the whole imbroglio now. The Obamessiah has conquered, and socialism will be the order of the day, but is anything new under the sun? Doubt it. 

You can tell a person is insane by the fact that they try the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, a wise man once said. Well, here goes some insanity. I'm predicting again. Ready? Good. 

Hillary Clinton resigns her senator-ship to be Secretary of State for Obama. J-Bide then mysteriously disappears within the next 20 months. I'm gonna go with plane crash. Of course, there's always the possibility that a Klanner shoots the man J Gibbs has called the first half-white president. Or both. I can't say I'd be surprised at either. 

UPDATE: Curtis has brought up the interesting question of the stock market. He calls a collective dive. I say no such luck. We've just voted in the first democrat in 8 years, the first (half-)black president ever, and New York is a blue state. Hillary's the governor, and the Dutch Reformed guys upstate sure didn't choose her. I say the market jumps maybe 250 to 300 points tomorrow alone. It'll shallow out the next few days, but people are excited - especially Democrats with money. Worldwide we'll see repercussion climbs and also climbs of the markets on their own. Europe wants this man. 

ANOTHER UPDATE: In this post I say some pretty heavy things about democratic political figures. I have great respect for Pres-elect Obama. I honestly do. His rhetoric and his intelligence won this race. When I talk about potential assassinations, I do not want or encourage this. I'm just saying that if the man goes into the Deep South, some crazy idiot is bound to take a pot shot at the first black President. 

First NSA Final

Well, that was my first Final exam at NSA - Rhetoric 101. I suppose that could have been more painful. I'm going to decide just how painful that was after I get the grade back. Anyway, I'm still alive; tired, but still alive. I'll keep you updated on my vital signs as I get through this week. Prayers are always appreciated.

Blessings

My polls- A defense

l would like to defend some of my polls, mostly the one about what God would smoke. I think this is a serious theological issue, similar to the one about how many angels could fit on the head of a pin. It may look ridiculous, but look a little closer. Okay, yeah maybe it is ridiculous. But you have to admit that it is funny to reject that God would smoke, because God is a CHRISTIAN!

I gave a great big sigh of relief

The world gets a reprieve! Turns out that yours truly predicted exactly what was going to happen with the old CERN project. Remember? Okay, well, maybe not exactly. But the problem turns out to have been the "hi-tech version of a soldering joint to link the two stretches of cable together." I said it before, I said it now, and I'll say it again. You gotta love it when a multi-billion dollar science-fair project gets sidelined because some random intern or highly skilled welder didn't want to miss his Manchester United game. Well, looks like the good old earth'll be around till 2009.

Brother and Sister Atheists. . .

This is going to be like one of those cheesy restaurant kid puzzles, what's wrong with this picture? You mean other than the fact that a school-bus is underwater with a clown as the driver? Oh, I think I found it. It must be that Kangaroo chillin' on the bottom floor, this is obviously the Atlantic ocean (pretty far from the kangaroo's native Australia).

Can you spot the utter absurdity?

My brother and sister atheists. . . This is the way Eddie Tabash, a militant atheist, addressed his audience of Minnesota atheists not long ago (I looked this up on Youtube because last night I saw him debate Pastor Doug Wilson). He proposes that the nonbelievers, atheists, agnostics, and general freethinkers of today should have an inner peace believing that their efforts, though not putting a dent in today's "superstitious" America, will bear its fruit in a future godless era. In previous times, atheistic efforts had a very short half-life of effectiveness. Spinoza, Hume, Ingersoll, and many others did their best at removing superstition beliefs but their efforts (though initially successful) failed to bring about lasting change. Atheists should do their part, first, by continuing to show the wont of evidence for the theistic (particular Christian theistic), and consequentially how childish belief in a non-existent God is. Secondly, atheists should support their "cause?" by voting for atheist politicians who (among other things) oppose the teaching of creationism in public schools, advocate the separation of church and state, and who are in favor or removing God from the pledge. This will lead to greater acceptance of the stance of unbelief, and generally more tolerance for religious (or non-religious) minorities. In a recent poll (Tabash claims) it was found (by whom, I don't know) that most in the religious right would rather vote for a homosexual than for an atheist. If he thinks long enough, I believe Tabash would realize why this is (presumably) the case.

I have a few things to say. What Tabash is proposing sounds an awful lot like a religion. Was he attempting irony when he addressed his constituents as "brother and sister atheists"? The very fact that they have to band together like this is evidence that they are kicking against the goads. For many of them, the only thing they have in common is a disbelief in the supernatural. It's likely that many of them are political liberals, but this leaves a very large margin for disagreement. Anyway, if you get a chance I recommend watching this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmwqL_JL3mI

I could just embed it, but I'm not going to (I don't like explaining myself). Just go to Youtube and watch it. You will find your faith strengthened by the stupendous effort that these brave men and women, atheists, put into ensuring that God takes no part in their lives. And all it does is make God laugh.

On the Origin of the phrase and accompanying tune of "Nanny Nanny boo boo"

My dear readers, for some time I have had one great question preying upon my mind. This of course is - from whence comes the phrase "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo"? It appears to me as if everyone, from the very earliest ages on, are acquainted with this form of derision. Is this a comparatively recent development? Fifty years ago did some child of an age prior to that of schooling coin this phrase?

Perhaps, I should look even further back for the origin of this phrase. Could it be as old as Cain and Abel? It may have been this same fatal phrase which so enraged Cain as to commit murder. Unfortunately I still as yet have no answer to this question. If you could elucidate me on this matter I would greatly appreciate it. Perhaps there is an obvious answer to this question and if this is the case I would entreat you to please correct my ignorance at once.

Guidelines on how to avoid having a fat head

I would like to share with my readers some good ways I've thought up of avoiding acquiring a fat head at NSA.

1. Try not to look like this :

Folks, this is just too obvious. If your head looks like this, you obviously have issues. It becomes especially apparent if you are stroking your chin. This either means that you are indeed thinking, you wish others to think that you are thinking, or can't think of anything else to do with your hands besides applying them to your chin.










2. Don't study so much and fellowship so little that you look like this:

This is a clear case of what I like to call the mushroom effect. The upper portion of the head, containing the brain becomes bloated, which of course leads to the face (which is mostly responsible for any kind of conversation, let alone intelligent conversations) becoming deficient. This is especially a danger when reading books such as "Gorgias", as you see me doing in this illustration. You see my friends, "Gorgias" is so enthralling that your head can mushroom before you even realize it. I suggest draining your head of cranial fluid immediately after reading this book. This is best done through video games and/or Bucer's.


3. Two heads are better than one. . .


Especially when they look like mine ;)













note for those interested: my head was in no way harmed (or, uh, duplicated) in the creation of this post.

I am Rob's questions of "what did I just watch"?

I watched a very interesting movie the other day. I needed to unwind after a day of studying so Kaleb and I rented and watched "Fight Club." This is, by far, the strangest movie I've ever seen and my thoughts on it are not solidified yet. As a result, I'm going to treat you to my thoughts on the matter and I simply ask you to bear with me.

I am going to summarize the movie's themes a little for those of you who haven't yet had the pleasure of subjecting yourselves to "Fight Club."

The movie seems to be about the shaky personal identity of modern consumers. The modern media and the ethics of consumerism have trivialized life to such a degree that no one truly knows who they are anymore. A name is not good enough, a name is simply an identifier; it's not an identity. My parents could have named me something different and it is conceivable that I would still be the same person overall. Even if I can trace my family name to two or three hundred years back, I have not truly learned anything about me. There most be something else, something more basic that defines me as a person.

It seems to me that people tend to define themselves by their religion. If someone asked me "What are you?" I could answer in a number of ways but I would probably answer with "I am a Christian. I am a child of God, born in sin but redeemed by God's grace - the blood of Christ." My identity as a Christian is the most meaningful and the most identifiable thing that I can point to illustrate to others what I am.

Consumerism is essentially a religion in disguise. For quite some time people have been inadvertently turning Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness into a very redundant list. This is, perhaps, a strange way of saying that people are slowly equating these three terms. And sadly, many people equate "the pursuit of happiness" with "getting as much stuff as we can." Therefore, these people believe that life (and the job of the government) is about being free to acquire as many possessions as possible.

Since, consumerism is a sort of religion it follows that people would tend to define themselves using its terms. However, consumerism only manifests itself in people's material possessions. So, in the same way that I identify myself as a Christian many people inadvertently identify themselves with their possessions. But because this identity is hard to illustrate to others they simply decorate their lives with a myriad of possessions and people will slowly start to figure out what kind of people they are. So the movie asks: "What if you lose everything?"

Spoiler warning: I might not be able to resist telling you the ending

The movie is a psychological drama. The film makers invite the audience to enter into the mind of a man who goes for days without sleeping. He is a recall coordinator who has to travel all over the country doing inspections. He describes himself as being a compulsive buyer of household items. He tries to solve his problems of identity with the kinds of things he uses to decorate his house. After trying to solve his problem of identity with his possessions he tries going to numerous support groups to get a high off of sympathy and crying. This fails when he realizes that there is a woman attending all of his support groups that obviously does not have the diseases the support groups are for. He ends up going four days again without sleep and this is when some part of him rebels. He begins to develop an alter-ego named "Tyler Durden" who personifies rebellion against established consumerism, radical existentialism, and charisma. Since we are seeing everthing through his eyes, the film makers very successfully make the audience think that Tyler Durden is a real person. Tyler Durden blows up our hero's condo and forces him to redefine his life. He has imaginary fights with this person (while really simply beating himself up) and sets up clubs all around the country called "Fight Club." This is where all the men who are sick and tired of their normal consumerish lives go to beat themselves up. Eventually, these clubs form into a terrorist organization called "project mayhem." Project Mayhem's main goal is to destroy everything that makes a modern consumer's life possible. Although, our hero remains involved with "Fight Club" project mayhem evolves without the knowledge of the first personality (the one who imagines Tyler Durden) and thus his alter-ego does things which he cannot control. He rigs up all the buildings of credit-card companies with demolition explosives and manages to get all civilians out of the buildings through the extensive "Project Mayhem" network.

As the story progresses, our hero becomes more and more like Tyler Durden (as personified by Brad Pitt). Even though the two characters stay separate (in a mix between Multiple-personality Disorder and schizophrenia) he begins to act more like his alter-ego, the man he wants to be. When he no longer needs his alter-ego, he shoots his alter-ego through the head (don't ask me how this works) and becomes an authentic human being, defined only through his actions - the marks he made on the world.


That's just what I think about it. This by no means exhausts the subject. I could be completely wrong and I'd be interested to hear your thoughts about it (especially the part where he shoots himself in the head and he manages to survive, but Tyler Durden disappears; that was weird).

I am helping cure racism . . .

By posting this.



NB: Please don't go randomly clicking on Flight of the Conchords videos, dear young readers. They can get rather mature rather quickly. And by mature I mean immature yet dirty. Funny, isn't it?

For legality - I downloaded this video using Google video. I'm obviously not using this for profit, just to make a few friends laugh. And this is easier than getting the embed thing off youtube, etc. I love the flying conchords, and if this is infringement I'll pull it at once. I just don't think it is.