I almost screamed "What just happened?!"

So on the fourth, being the extremely patriotic family that we are, the Trotter family spent the day organizing, scrubbing, eating, reading, and painting that closet in my room a very un-American earthy brown. The most patriotic thing we did, other than light a grand total of 6 sparklers and say the first 10 or so words of the Constitution, was to watch the Boston Pops on TV for a grand total of 3 minutes.

All of this aside, we watched Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I saw the disc and said to myself, "Oh. Crap." And then it began.

The first two acts of this movie blew my freaking socks off. Dustin Hoffman, people, deserved an Oscar for that role. I don't care who they gave it to . . . dangit, they did give it to Daniel Day-Lewis. And he did deserve it. But they should have given two! Anyhow, he was incredible, the cinematography was brilliant, the storyline was imaginative, fun, and absolutely childish. I've never seen such a frank, beautiful, endearing portrait of magic in film. The score left a little something to be desired, but I'm no stickler on such matters. Point being, the story was set. Even Natalie Portman gave the best performance of her life, even though that says nothing. She actually did better than in The Professional.

Then the third act came. The final chapter in the story. And the whole thing goes to pot. In one single line, the whole movie comes crashing down from profound Chestertonian, Christ-centered truth to soul-crushing new age zen-ism. "You are the block of wood!" made me think that the original director must have been fired on the last day of filming and they stuck Timur Bekmambetov behind the camera and told him to film without letting him look at the rest of the movie. That's how bad it was. I almost cried.

As a unit, Emporium is nothing. A trivial, man-centered, zen-riddled waste of time. As the first two acts with the third forgotten, it is amazing. Hoffman embodies the words of Lewis: "When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness." From calling his accountant "mutant" to having his friend smuggle a tuba into his hospital room, Hoffman shines. That scene where he weaves in and out of the barrels. Brilliant.

Overall rating: 8.0 out of 10
Watch for: Nothing. Cleanest movie I've seen in several long whiles.